when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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