you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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