I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sorry about my life...
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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