I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
