I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
