i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
