Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
