I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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