Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
