Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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