I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
