I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
