I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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