so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
