3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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