1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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