I need help removing her.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
