She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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