Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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