I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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