Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize