she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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