I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
