Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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