Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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