I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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