Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
