We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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