This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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