I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
