It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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