I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
