Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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