Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
