I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize