I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
