My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
