i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
