dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
