Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
