Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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