She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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