My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
