i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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