Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
