Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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