so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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