how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
