he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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