mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
