He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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