just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
