He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
