I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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