My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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