Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
