Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
